After Christmas

My dog still in my mind, last night for the first time I dreamt about her, she still looking good, wants me to pamper, hope she is okay in heaven.


Nothing special during Christmas, busy as usual. But this year we had a good party in the office, I wish my doggie boo is here, this is first time I had my Christmas without her.


Making and giving out more handmade Christmas card on behalf of my dog, more to come…..


Oh yes, fairuz came all the way from JB and gave me 2 DVD as a Christmas present, very thoughtful of him, missing the nice time we used to have too.

Goodbye

My dog made a choice before us, she decides to go quietly.

This morning when I found her sleep quietly outside of the toilet, I know something not right, and I am right, she just passed away early in the morning because her body still soft.

I never expect to see all this myself, I told her I don’t want to see her dying, but she wants me to witness this moment, she wants me to do the last thing for her as she knows I will do it well for her.

Those who know me quite well will understand my dog is almost a daughter to me, I scolded her when she was naughty, I pampered her when she was in fear, I spoiled her with all the junks when she is such a darling.


However, I really doing not much for her lately after I move back to Penang, and started my busy life here.

She knows my love is slowly dragging away by my busy routine, she started to feel that I no longer by her side all the time, and it reach to a point that sometime she is angry with me, so she doesn’t even want to see me.

Losing her is a big lost to me, though this really knock my head that is this the life I want? I really doing nothing much when she was ill, beside no way to squeeze my time for her, I am too tired to handle her needs after my headache daily routine at work.

I am here to beg for her forgiveness, and I want her to know she is always my darling.

I bought some flower for her when I came back from work, hope that she is leaving in peace, may God bless that she is happily ever after in heaven.

Dying

Apparently, my dog has cancer. But none of the veterinary surgeons that I seek help can diagnosis properly, there were 4 of them, they are even graduated in Australia or perhaps being a vet for more than 30 years, but none of this f*cking vet can tell me, actually my dog having Canine Lymphoma.

Guess what, I figure it out from Google searched.

I got the information from dogcancer.net, it said The lymph system is the body's "other" circulatory system, circulating white blood cells and most importantly, lymphocytes. These are specialized cells involved in immune function found throughout the body. In normal healthy dogs, these cells are manufactured in the bone marrow, go through a life span of around 30 days, and then die off and are re-absorbed into the body or eliminated through the waste channels. In Lymphoma, the regulation of production is lost and these cells proliferate in large number, or they lose their programmed life cycle and continue to live on, overwhelming the other blood cells. High white blood cell count and swollen lymph glands are the characteristic signs of this disease, followed by lethargy, loss of appetite and leading eventually to death unless treated.

However, one of the vets did blood test for my dog, and figured out my dog having a high amount of white blood cells, and he told me my dog could be only having general infection.

the fact that I angry the most is these 4 idiots is the one who kill my dog, because canine lymphoma is very common among dog, but how could this people can’t even notice the real sickness, beside telling me my dog having fault pregnancy, insects bite, hormone imbalance and general infection.

This is what I got from marvistavet.com, it said The “typical” canine lymphoma patient is a middle aged dog presented to the veterinarian because one or more lumps have been found. The veterinarian rapidly determines that all of the peripheral lymph nodes (those near the skin surface) are enlarged and firm. Usually the dog has not been showing any signs of illness. The next step is a blood panel and urinalysis to more completely assess the patient’s health and one or more lymph nodes are aspirated or biopsied to confirm the diagnosis of lymphoma.

Now too late for my dog, her condition getting from bad to worse, thanks to the wrong medicine given by the vets. Now there is nothing I can do, decision have to be made in order to release her from suffering, I have to let her go.

Although according to dogcancer.net, my dog can be cure, but treatment success depends on many factors, such as the dog's age, his or her diet, their medical history, where the cancer is located and how extensive it is and what major systems are involved. Generally speaking, the earlier lymphoma is diagnosed, the better the outcome will be. Since most lymphoma occurs in younger dogs, when it is diagnosed early, immune modulation usually assures that the dog has the greatest possible chance of remission, and the best chance that the cancer does not recur.

I sent my dog to the first vet when she only having reddish eyes problem, this is the first symptom of Canine Lymphoma, but after false treatment from one to another, then my dog got her swollen glands, lost appetite and breathing heavily.

Watching my dog suffering is the most heart breaking thing to do.

Arrrrhhhh......

Birthday

Nothing much to do beside worry of my dog, she is dying. Everybody who saw her will tell me this.

I can see her struggling with pain, but I just not ready to let go.

Should I let her go, should I give up so easily? After more than 3 months of trying, no improvement can be seen, she is still suffering, I am still helpless.

Anyway, about my birthday, nothing special after all is already my 32nd, have some good dinner and wine, received some thoughtful sms and e-card, went to shop a present for myself, wishing all the best for my dog.

Oh yes, my birthday is also the human right day, that’s why I am a democratic person, LOL, but wanted to be democratic or can be democratic is the totally different story, at least my company not so keen when its include profit margin consideration.

That’s life I suppose, we can just sing along.

Almost forget, my colleagues thrown me surprise party, I mean simple one, cake and song, but after few parties been done this months, lots of December boys and girls in the office, the surprise is expected, hahahaha.

However, they are sweet, thanks a lot.

bad

There is no absolute democracy in an organization even in a country.

2 days in a row I had listened to the same argument from 2 prominent leaders, they may have their stand, and I do agree to a certain extent, but not totally.

Yes, in term of better discipline and well organize; monism is the best way to force everything work as you think, but this will cause an organization and a country functioning like a body without a soul. No creativity or innovation.

I always believe working with people with an open heart; will have better performance in term of productivity and creativity. We can’t expect everybody to agree with your point of view, but at least we are able to open ourselves to alternative view.

However, I totally surrender to the 2 person when he talked about company interest is what we should obey; I can’t help but wonder, is there anyone who do business without taking into cosideration the profit margin? Obviously the answer is quite clear.

So I give up of fighting, and do agree with him, if you don’t like it, just leave. Perhaps this is the best solution.

About my dog, after 4 veterinary surgeons almost killed her, she cannot eat any food may cause by no appetizer, or the worse may be she wants to kill herself. So I have to feed her with organic soya milk added with glucose.

This morning my tear almost burst out when she refused to eat anything, I really don’t know what to do; there is no one to trust anymore.

Life

An old man came by when I left my office today, he talked to me while I was locking the door, it was already almost 10pm, I won’t be friendly to talk to a stranger at this time, due to my concern he might be a robber, because the crime rate in town is high.

However, I guess he was aware of my concern, so he kept a distance from me, and asked why I stayed until so late in the office.

My answer was very simple, “this is work”.

This one I like the most so far.
I used to stay until 9 something in the office, go back at 8pm is consider early for me, you might say I am a workaholic, but to me, avoiding heavy traffic in the evening is my concern, instead of wasting time on the road, I prefer to do some paper work, and get ready for the next day.


But most important thing is when you go to work, you have to be passionate about it, if you only work for living, your career won’t get alive, and you ended up with bad reputation, too many examples I had seen.


So when I work, I work with passion.

Oh yes, another thing need passion, is my handmade Christmas cards for all my colleagues, just finish 3 so far, 12 to go.

Make a wish

My dog condition still up and down, seeing her suffering, my heart is bleeding, but I won’t give up easily, although most of my friends suggested that I should give her up, but I still insist to try my best.

Some time I really wonder that why everybody want me to give up because she is just a dog?

She is more that a dog to me, she was with me when I had my most difficult time, she helps me to recover from my pain, she is the one that make me enjoy to go home, seeing she happily welcomes me home is the most wonderful time in a day.

I enjoy her company, she makes me laugh and angry too, but most of the time we enjoy our time together, with my friends too I suppose, she is a good host comes to the point that she really knows how to entertain my guests.

She is the most wonderful thing I ever have in my life, would you still say she is just a dog? I bet you are not.

So I make a wish today while setting up a Christmas tree in my office, please let my dog get better soon, let the festive power heal my dog, I crossed my finger very hard too. Let’s pray for her.

Bad Time

Seeing my dog suffering from her illness, I can’t help but feel really bad about her and my life.

Hold my study and come back to work never a right choice but myself is the one to be blame not my dog, without having enough time to take care of her is how the whole disaster happened today.

Apparently 2 of the veterinary surgeons I went are not good enough, and my poor doggie reacted to the medication badly, and now her body is badly swollen, hence she looks like a bear rather than a Rottie.


The 3rd veterinary surgeon I had, told me that the previous vets are not giving proper medication for my dog, however, he is also not so sure about what happen to my dog, so he is giving my dog another 2 weeks of medication.

Good news is if my dog is cure from swollen, then she is only having general infection (without clarify what illness is this), and the bad news is my dog has to get her chemotherapy but unfortunately they don’t have the facility.

What a shame, the vet even indirectly gave me an option to put my dog to sleep if I got the bad news.

I was really pissed off for 2 things, first is these vets are having my dog like a guinea pig, they are not even sure what wrong with my dog, and sadly my colleague told me even human having the same treatment, this is a matter of luck of whether you getting a good doctor or the another way around. Shame to hear that.

The second part is my life really occupied with my work, where I practically no time to do anything of my own, included take good care of my dog.

So lately I really have deep thought about what had happened, if this kind of lifestyle is what I want? Working exhaustedly, burden myself with worthless problem; so much so put my life on fire with all kind of disasters.

Then the biggest problem is, besides rambling here, what else can I do?

Cancer

I still don’t believe my dog has cancer.

When the veterinary surgeon said to me, it is cancer, my first reaction was “May I beg your pardon?” The doctor repeated what she had said, but she told me a good news, this is only initiate stage.

Okay, my poor doggy only needs to have her medication for 2 weeks, but swallowing pill never an option for her, so I have to put the pill inside the grape or sometime dragon fruit to make sure she has the medicine in her stomach without knowing it.

Being busy for work already got me with no time for my doggy, I only found out she got a tumor around the stomach when I bathed her few weeks back, so I immediately sent her to a veterinary surgeon.

That man told me my dog maybe only got bitten by an anonymous insect, so he gave my dog an injection with some medicine to drink, after that I have to work for 2 weeks without a day off, and I assumed my dog is getting better.

Unfortunately thing didn’t work out as I thought, after 2 weeks the tumor still there, so this time I got recommendation from a friend to have another veterinary surgeon, which is more professional and immediately knowing what’s wrong with my dog.

Only one question she asked me before she jumped to conclusion, how long has your dog got her period, my answer was “quite some time”.

Then I realize how could I never noticed my dog hasn’t get her period for very long time, this is the cause of her cancer, too much hormones. For a moment I really feel bad for my dog.

Thank God she is still active as she is, greedy for food and always need pampers by me when I got home.

However I already made up my mind, having myself travel cross the sea everyday is not a good option for me to spend time with my dog, because most of my time is basically contribute to the journey, so I am looking for a land property in the island for the sake of my doggy.

Been Blessed

Fairuz dropped by today and told me the big news, he has got transferred back to his hometown, good news to him I suppose, but he was in his nostalgia mood when we brought this up in the dinner tonight.

By talking to him about our life in Kedah, I do miss those days that full of laughs and adventures, and I considered my best ever days was all in Kedah, especially with the companied of Alina and Fairuz.

So I told Fairuz that we been blessed to meet and have good time together, even though we are going to be far apart (yet Alina already in Kelantan), we can still visit each other and have our reunion dinner.

I suppose we need to move forward from time to time, even we might not meet anyone as we did in certain places, but the friendship is always there where we continue to bond with one another, at least we still share the same sky and moon and stars.

I am glad to have friends like those girls in sex in the city, where we share our life and jokes, of course sometime with our own drama, this makes our life colorful and meaningful.

Nevertheless, now I have a reason to visit Kelantan and Johor.

Moment

There is always a moment you will miss someone all of a sudden, so you stress yourself maximum with the desperation to reach the one you miss, if you managed to get through the line, you will just say hi and find out thing is doing fine with that person.

However, if you cannot get contacted, then you might be ended up sleeplessly desperate, and I have that moment now. So I wrote this to remember today, after all I already miss UK like crazy.

916

A numbers combination that Malaysian will always connected it to GOLD, right until Anwar Ibrahim and Pakatan Rakyat keep bringing it up as this is Malaysia Day which we should celebrate long ago.


Now 916 become a real important day for Malaysian as it is a shame that we actually forgetting this important day for ages and although now it turns out to a day we Malaysian should celebrate, but we have been distracted by the cross over drama in the country.

What a shame, worse is I never been to east Malaysia after I almost travel round the globe, so I tell myself today, I will visit that part of my motherland before the second Malaysia Day has came. I crossed my finger.

Bleeding

For the first time, I feel pain on my chest, I can’t breathe properly, I know my heart is bleeding, it has already reach the stage that I have to give up.

I never expect I reach this stage so soon, I thought I am stronger than this, but the reality is I see no hope, so given up is my only choice, to remain my dignity on what I believe to.

Unfair

This is almost the end of the word,

So we wear in black,

To protest, to boycott, to fight, and to unite.

Hope the dark side of the world will pay their price,

Hope the world will have real justice,

Hope the devil go to hell.

Friendship Disaster

The higher you reach tougher decision to make.

This is the line in Cashmere Mafia, as Mia has been promoted as a publisher; she has been instructed to fire her mentor. Tough decision yet no way to escape as long as you need to stay.

I was newly promoted as well, after half year working as a chief, I started to face all sort of problems, not mention the heavy workload, but the aura and working relationship is killing me.

Yet, the saddest part in the story is I lost one of my good friends.

I wasn’t aware anything went wrong until I found out that my friend already went far from me, no matter what happened in our story, it really doesn’t matter as long as the friendship is there.

However our newly “bonded” friendship was too vulnerable to handle the challenge we had, so it ended up without a trace. I know it sounds sad.